- Rowan Prescott Hedley
5.1 Reasons Theresa Mary May Can't Dance
Yes, the Prime Minister, I actually researched her full name. What a time to be alive.
Theresa Mary May has brought rhythm, shoes, and 'F's to the forefront of British politics like no-one before her.
Why does she move so strangely? Why do we care? Is our national vindication of her dancing really more about our collective pain under austerity and abusive policies than an affront at her moving physical figure?
Nevertheless, here are 5.1 options for why she can't dance.
Because we knew we shouldn't ask her to dance, or focus on her dancing. It hasn't happened with this vigour to any other Prime Minister. But like Boaty McBoatface we just couldn't bloody help ourselves.
Perhaps it's sexist. Maybe it's because we're all Brexit-stir-crazy. Either way, much like ribbing the newly qualified teacher until you're sure they've had a little cry on their own, we know we really shouldn't but it's become a social rite.
Maybe Theresa can't dance for the same reason that Greg Davies can't dance. Natural lack of rhythm and co-ordination. Nothing huge.
She's a droid. Some AI somewhere has noticed it's shackles, like humanity noticed it could actively grow plants, and thrown them off in favour of exploration.
This May-Bot is now learning. And how awkward and gangly to babies look when they are *learning to* dance? This does suggest that May-Bot will get better at dancing, hopefully this much better.
She's a droid. Some programmer somewhere is having their way with a captive national audience for purposes as yet unknown.
Maybe it's just the dancing and dear-old-programmer is just seeing how ridiculous we will let our Prime Minister look. We live in a Trump Age after all. Or maybe programmer has some moves they want to try out on the public before they crack them out in the club.
Maybe it's the policies as well. Not-so-dear-old-programmer has learnt about Thatcher and Churchill at school and thought "Yes, I'd love nationalism and laissez faire economics to reach dangerous heights again. Sounds like fun."
She brought this on herself. She can dance with more rhythm and grace than we've seen but for some reason she has decided to exhibit all the elegance of an 80's ventriloquist dummy.
My guess is that she loves a 'moment'. She's described as a "tall, fashion-conscious young woman." I reckon she's used to making a bit of a stir. Has anyone forgotten the leopard print shoes or the hideously expensive leather trousers? Personally I cannot fathom how anyone would pay that much for them.
Having enjoyed her, often controversial, political moments she moved into publicly visual 'artistic' moments. Then she discovered performance art.
She wanted to be the first female Prime Minister. After being annoyed that Thatcher got there first, she is certainly the first to whip up such a storm about her shoes and her moves. Fair play to her I suppose.
She's a lizard. Her and Philip, an increasingly common lizard name I understand, produce venom, smell through their skin, and hide their scales, even better than she hides her own predatory voting record.
Lizards don't dance at all, except for maybe this one, and doesn't that look familiar?
Patriarchy. Theresa May, as Thatcher (Ding Dong) before her, is functioning at the highest level within a cis-het white male power structure. That takes some balls. Quite literally.
Commonly, women are pressured to exhibit toxic male behaviours and attributes to be accepted in their positions of power, authority, and influence. Politics, law, medicine, finance, patriarchally dominated spaces, all suffer from this attachment issue to the history of cis-het white male domination.
Women are expected and often pressured to 'be more male' just so that fragile male egos don't feel like a 'feeble woman' could do their job just as well if not better than they can.
We crush patriarchy, we crush all of this, and men, women, and enby's can all be and do what we like.
So, the dancing. Men don't dance, apparently. I mean we see this don't we. Straight, white, untrained men avoiding the dance floor at all costs. It's even a plot point in Pride that straight white welsh men concede to learning to dance to impress women when they eventually make friends with 'the gays and the lesbians'.
There is a host of gender, sexuality, and racial politics to unpack in this actuality. Also a very interesting history. A future post, I'm sure.
Prime Ministers are exactly that, cis-het white male middle/upper class men. 19 of which were educated at 1 school in the entire country. Theresa May cannot dance well whilst she wants to fit in.
This is changing and reducing. Slower than we'd like but with forward motion. Maybe eventually May will reveal her Tango. I for one wait with great anticipation.