- Rowan Prescott Hedley
Which Divine Being Gifted The World The All Day Breakfast Hangover Cure?
Bacchus and Dionysus have done a great job with the wine and the festivals and the drunken orgies and the theatre. All strong openings for Bohemian paradise. But who on Earth, or possibly elsewhere, is responsible for actualising this greasy deific feast?
So, I took a whistle-stop tour of the Ancient Greek, Roman, Indian, and Egyptian deities, spirits, sprites, giants, human heroes and house gods. All so you don't have to. But if you are curious, have a gander, I had a great time.
There are so many beings; quite a few for similar things. I suspect, a bit like emojis, the Greeks, Romans, Indians, and Egyptians knew exactly which ones to use in each specific context. I wonder which one is the peach?
Right. Imagine it's pre's, pre drinks. I heard someone say 'prinks' recently. You're drinking with friends at someone's house or somewhere outside. A park was my favourite, we used to swig on the swings.
You're drinking with friends anywhere that doesn't have a license to sell alcohol. Totally legit. At least Gaea, personification of Earth, is certain to be with you wherever you are.
Picture this, we were both... Oh hello Shaggy it's nice to have you here. Welcome to pre's. Nyx, goddess of night, joins the party, obviously.
You're having a lovely time, Bacchus and Dionysus are playing a good game, Ra is taking his sun through the underworld to return once the fiasco has finished and the early bird is up and about.
You win Cards Against Humanity. You never win Cards Against Humanity. Victoria, goddess of victory, is very much with you now. You celebrate obnoxiously.
At pre's Acratopotes, god of unmixed wine, rules the roost. At least initially. Caraeon, demi-god of mixing wine, comes up on the inside after a while. Usually in the second rendition of Smash Mouth's All Star.
The Muses are having a field day and Methe, nymph of drunkeness, is well and truly in her element. You're having a cracking time and feeling very much ready to head out.
"Did someone see Telete, goddess of initiation into the Bacchic orgies? I'm sure I just saw her saunter down the corridor!"
Prajnaparamita, personification of wisdom, is not coming out with you.
So you're out, out. It's grey and cold and a bit drizzly. You all stride forth unperturbed and fully backed by Spes, goddess of hope.
You find a club, let's call it 'HVN'.
Pretty soon Kakia and Hybris show up, spirits of moral badness and outrageous behaviour. Maybe you're on the tables, maybe you're invading the stage. Silenus, old rustic god of the dance of the wine-press, and Pyrrhichos, god of any rustic dance, are both just plain proud of you.
Maybe you're texting people you really shouldn't be. Koalemos, spirit of stupidity and foolishness, knows about that one.
Sophrosyne, spirit of moderation and restraint is no-where to be seen. She's been kicked out of the club by The Hysminai, spirits of fighting and combat.
Just then, The Hysminai find you. They have taken over. Wherever you were making questionable choices you're now questioning no longer and exclusively deciding which face to meet your "actually better when I'm drunk" right hook.
You choose Dave. Of course you choose Dave. He's called Dave.
He also has an enormous badge saying 'I'm 10 today!' on it.
Dave is not 10 today.
Suddenly Dave's face is where his feet should be and Victoria strides up towards you once again. Voluptas, goddess of pleasure, has well and truly joined the party.
The Titans are impressed and quite possibly Justitia, goddess of justice, is 'absolutely, definitely' on your side. If anything, it was Ananke, goddess of inevitability, who saw it coming.
Lynx strides in. Goddess of the love charm. (Yes, real goddess. I didn't know that before now either.) And what a love charm she is. (Because it worked so well in year 9. Didn't induce any asthma attacks at all.)
You get it on. Yum indeed. Adephagia, spirit of satiety, is satisfied. Hedone, spirit of pleasure and delight, is bounding around on the tables. Isis, goddess of magic, winks at you. I wouldn't think about it too much.
Euthenia, spirit of prosperity, and Eupraxia, sprit of well-being, have very much had their cake and eaten it. All is well with the world.
You stumble home entirely indebted to Sors, god of luck, and Averruncus, god to avert calamity, that you didn't break a bone or a heart tonight. Let's just hope that Bes, protector of households, will give you a hand not to smash anything as you stumble up to bed.
It's morning, ish. Hypnos, god of sleep, has only just let you out of his clutches. Usually you would cavort with Ushas and Ersa, goddesses of the dawn and morning dew, but not today.
Today you can only just about handle Hemera, goddess of the day. Also Ra has reappeared and he's brought The Algea, spirits of pain and suffering, with him.
God, your head hurts.
Latona, goddess of light, is making it worse. Aura, titaness of fresh morning air, would probably help you feel better but she's always hanging around with that shameless Latona.
Penthus, spirit of lamentation, helps you feel just that bit worse as you remember some of what you got up to last night.
Enter the breakfast deities.
Prosperina and Demeter, goddesses of grain and harvest, Banka-Mundi, hunting goddess, and Pomona, goddess of trees and gardens.
These supreme beings provide the ingredients for such a genesis inducing meal. Opis, goddess of resources, ensures there are eggs. Providentia, goddess of forethought, ensures you bought some.
It's Vesta, goddess of the sacred fire, who catalyses the genesis itself. With fire we can cook.
The pan sizzles. Eggs, and sausages, bacon, and mushrooms. Grill a tomato, grab a hash brown. Hell, get the black pudding out. It's a special occasion.
God, your head hurts. Drinks some water.
It's ready. You grab the sauce. Red, brown or both, pretty much covers any sauce or combination you could want to slather over this real life fantasy.
Oh, the carbs.
You can feel Panacea and Iaso, goddesses of healing, hard at work. Is that Aesculapius, god of health and medicine, just walking out the door? This should definitely be recommended by the NHS for occasional necessary administration.
Epione and Angerona, goddesses of relieving and soothing pain, are playing a blinder. God, your head feels fine. Maybe you can stand up for a bit longer now?
Ok, sit back down now. You've done well. Aergia, spirit of sloth, is here to look after you.
You put on some tv and gently doze through it. Divine contentment.
Mephitis, goddess of poisonous gasses, makes an appearance but you are so comfortable you barely notice.
All is well with the world once again, and you are pretty sure that Pax, goddess of peace, uses this method in her work. How could she possibly not?
When Savitri, mother of civilisation, made human communities and Osiris, god of life, brought them clubs and greasy spoons, they could not have possibly planned something so glorious, so rapturous, as this breakfast.
This spiritual feast for the body, mind, and soul is something that could only have come about between such an extensive combination of deities. Yet, it is the extra spark of human being, that has historically thrown so many things out of kilter and off balance, that gives this moment its splendour.
It is a marvel of the universe that, in this instance, total harmony for the entire human being has been achieved. All it takes is the right food. Glorious food.